Almost Bedtime

It's almost bedtime here on the second-to-last day of full-time employment. Perhaps I won't have bedtimes in this new life. I'll live so freely that I'll be beyond diurnal schedules. 

But I doubt it. I imagine I'll wake up pretty much the same time as I always do. And, truth to tell, I'll be doing much the same sort of things, too — writing, walking, reading. 

It might sound boring to many, but oh my, not to me!

They're Back!

The hummingbirds are back! Once again, for at least the fourth time, exactly on April 28. Where have they been?  And how do they make their way from other climes and latitudes right back to this suburban backyard?  I don't understand them — and perhaps that is part of their charm.

Seeing them again — at first just a flicker of movement from the corner of my eye — completes the season in a way no blooming tree or flower can. 

Because these tiny creatures aren't rooted here; they return voluntarily. And they bring with them the jewel tones of the tropics, a whiff of the faraway.

(The photo is my own, but not from this year. And because it's a female, not as jewel-toned.)

The Annual Reports

My desk accessories and headset are in the car. The monitor is parked in the basement, ready to go. I'll wipe my computer on Friday and take it into the office, too. Then all that remains will be ... the annual reports. They were in the car, stationed for return along with the stapler and the tiered folder rack, but I had to bring them back inside because I needed to research a scholarship that began in 1993.

Now that they're back in the house (and a heavy load they are, too!), I don't want to let them go. I've built a complete set, you see, from 1985 to the present, which ranges from the time when Tom worked for Winrock to the time that I do. It's a history of the place in a nutshell, a place I first experienced when I moved from Manhattan to a mountaintop in Arkansas right after we married and which has enriched my own career and life experiences beyond measure. 

So I asked Tom last night: "Do you think it's a bad sign that I can't let go of the annual reports?" He just smiled and said to do whatever I think is right. He can't really quibble about my packrat tendencies since he's a primo packrat himself, and he knows this is about more than being a packrat. It's about loving an organization I'm about to leave. 

I do love Winrock. And yet on Friday I'll type my last words for them and sign off the network for the last time. Because there's something I love more, which is the freedom to write what I want when I want. It's an awesome and a terrifying freedom, but I've earned the chance to try it, so I will. 

As for the annual reports, they're sitting in the hallway. I'm still thinking about them.

Small is Beautiful?

It was a different kind of Academy Awards ceremony last night, but I still watched the whole thing. Set in L.A.'s Union Station, the nominees and their guests sat around little tables, as if at a supper club. All of which made the event seem warmer and more intimate, though admittedly strange, without the usual glitter and fuss.

With no host and no big song-and-dance numbers, the event focused our attention on what matters most: the awards themselves and the people who receive them. Though a few recipients went on too long and there were the usual political diatribes, I enjoyed the relatively unscripted moments. You could tell people were speaking to a small audience (only 170) from the way they talked. 

By now most of us are ready for a return to normalcy, watching movies on the big screen — something Frances McDormand urged us to do when she accepted her Best Actress award — and maybe even the four-hour-long extravaganza every year that honors those films. But the performances at this year's Oscars make a case for small over large. 

(Info booth at Union Station, pre-transformation. Photo: Wikipedia Peetlesnumber1 

Measuring Loss

More than a quarter of the U. S. population is vaccinated. With warm weather and outside gatherings on the horizon it's easier to feel hopeful about Covid than anytime in the last 15 months.  But several sobering articles in this morning's newspaper are clouding that sunny outlook. 

The crisis unfolding in India is one. A record jump in the U.S. death rate last year is another — it was the highest above-average rate since the 1918 flu.  

And finally, tucked away on an inside page was this headline: "Measuring a Nation's Loss by the Years Covid Stole from Its Families."

Public health researchers are pushing to include the measure of years lost rather than lives lost as a full measure of the virus's impact. On average, victims of the disease lost nine years of life. While Covid-19 has attacked the old more than the young, it steals time from everyone it fells. 

We've only begun to come to terms with the enormity of our loss from this disease. One way to begin is figuring out how to measure it. 

A Whirl

The last few days of paid employment are flying away like paper pages from a calendar in an old movie, the gimmick directors used to show time passing. Which is to say quickly.

But that's now. A few months ago time was hanging around my ankles. I kept paging forward in my desk diary, looking at the day I had appointed for notifying management of my decision — it seemed as if it would never arrive. 

So in a way, my experience of time recently has mirrored its journey through our lives: the languid days of childhood, the accelerando of adulthood, the spin-crazy way the pace picks up as we age.

By that reckoning, next week will be quite a whirl. 

Petal Storm

A wild wind blew in from the west yesterday, bending the bamboo and sending Kwanzan cherry petals flying over grass and street. 

It was a veritable petal storm, as the wind continued through the night and into today, sending overnight temperatures below freezing and forcing us to bring in the few plants we'd set outside. 

I'm telling myself that it's only a temporary retreat. Spring is on the march this Earth Day, and it will persevere in the end.  Until then, I'm watching the petals as they fly. At least they're not snowflakes. 

Sauntering

Writing a blog called A Walker in the Suburbs means I've become familiar with all the lovely synonyms for walking: strolling, ambling, rambling, trekking, treading and wandering. By far one of my favorites is sauntering. But until yesterday I never thought much about its derivation. It was while looking up Thoreau on another quest that I found this, from his essay "Walking": 

I have met with but one or two persons in the course of my life who understood the art of Walking, that is, of taking walks — who had a genius, so to speak for sauntering, which word is beautifully derived 'from idle people who roved about the country, in the Middle Ages, and asked charity, under pretense of going a la Sainte Terre,' to the Holy Land, till the children exclaimed, 'There goes a Sainte-Terrer,' a Saunterer, a Holy-Lander.”

Although some would say the word "saunter" comes from "sans terre," without land or home, Thoreau continues, this is fine, too, because being without a home can also mean being equally at home everywhere — and that in fact is the secret of successful sauntering.  

I'm looking forward to more sauntering and more Thoreau. 

A Constant

Morning on the Hunter's Woods Trail: Mozart in my ears, details in my brain, details I hoped would filter away like a dusting of snow through trampoline mesh. And the rhythm of footfall did clarify the day; it reminded me of what is most important, which is to live fully when and where we are.

I was aided in this by the appearance of wildlife: first, a fox sauntering down the trail ahead of me and then, on the drive home, a wild turkey beside the road, bobbing its head as it fled into the woods.  

The critters pulled me into the present and away from the fact that this is a departure day, which is not nearly as nice as an arrival day. 

But the warmth is finally here, and the day is as perfect in its way as the cold, windy Thursday that brought her here. Both days are required, one for coming, the other for going — with the walks a constant between the two. 

Reading O'Brien

Ever since I saw Edna O'Brien on Ken Burns' "Hemingway" I've been reading her books. I finished the Country Girls trilogy a couple days ago and am now enjoying her memoir, Country Girl.

It's the proper order in which to read these books, I think. Not only because the latter came 52 years after the first of the trilogy volumes, but also because it's interesting to see what she did with the raw material before actually getting to know the raw material. 

I say this because I started reading them in the opposite order and wasn't happy about it. So I saved the memoir for last — and am glad I did. Here's a passage from it about Drewsboro, where O'Brien grew up:

On either side of the track there were grassy banks full of wildflowers and burdock and flowering weed, bees buzzing and disporting  themselves in and out of these honeyed enclaves, and the smell of the nettles so hot. Birds swooped in random gusts, and butterflies, velvet-brown, maroon, and tortoiseshell, their ravishing colors never clashing, never gaudy, moved in the higher strata, like pieces of flying silk.

"

A Triumph

I'm writing this on the deck, pushing it a little since the thermometer says it's 44 , but doing it anyway because it's so gorgeous out here that I don't want to be inside. 

The grass is bright green and striped with shadows from the still-low sun. The trees have their earliest leaves, tender and golden. 

The azaleas have burst into bloom — the lavender one along the back of the house, the bifurcated pink one beside the trampoline, and the fuchsia one in the middle of the garden — a mistake in terms of landscaping but a triumph from the azalea's point of view. 

Knowing how rare such moments of perfection are, I plan to sit here a moment, sip my tea and be grateful for every bit of birdsong. 

Just Marveilng

You know the days when they come, days that stand out from others not because they've been set aside as holidays but because they have not. They're naturally delicious from beginning to end with no agenda other than spending time with the people you love. 

I just had one of those days. Apart from an hour or two in the morning when I finished up work tasks from yesterday, there was nothing on the calendar but a quick trip to the store. Otherwise, it was a block of time reserved for hanging out and staying in. 

By 11 a.m. the babies and their mamas arrived to spend time with their aunt and sister.  It was loud and chaotic, with gurgles and shrieks from the infants and laughter and conversation from the adults I still call "the girls." 

Copper, revved by the unaccustomed activity, patrolled the gathering like a shark in the water, looking for plump infant toes to nibble. We managed to contain him, but barely.

Now it's evening. The babies are at home in bed, their parents are pooped, and we ... are just marveling at it all. 

("Sock letters" welcoming Celia home.)

Reunions Now

I haven't hugged our youngest daughter since August, when she flew back to Seattle. That's one Thanksgiving, one Christmas, one Easter, several birthdays (including hers) and one new baby in the family ago. It other words, an eternity. 

As I look forward to our reunion today, I think about others taking place across the country, families and friends long separated by work and pandemic restrictions. 

Just yesterday, dear friends from college texted me a picture of their gathering. Was it my imagination, or were their smiles brighter than they would have been had this not been a post-Covid meeting? Doesn't everything seem a little more significant now? And if it doesn't, shouldn't it?

Exploring Efficiency

As the days of full-time employment wind down for me, I'm thinking about efficiency, how it has ruled my life for as long as I can remember. 

Efficiency has always seemed an essential. I don't know how people tackle life without it. But it has downsides, starting with how it stunts creativity. 

How does the mind roam free when the ticking clock of duties runs persistently in the background? Are there certain places and postures that help to dispel efficiency? Can one simply shut it off once it's no longer needed, or is one stuck with it?

I will be exploring these questions at length ... starting May 1. 

(My old office, where I was usually efficient.) 

Floor Time

Some people clean house before the maid arrives. I have no maid, but I do, today, have carpet cleaners. For them I've not just vacuumed, I've lifted, unearthed and rearranged. 

Carpet cleaners, of course, must have access to the floor. And the problem around here is that many other things do, too. There are picture frames and shoes and boxes of files. There are radios and fans and music stands. There are computer cables and lamps that must be unplugged. There are filmy white curtains and floral dust ruffles that must be tucked up and away. Most of all, of course, are the books, which are not just on shelves but also in piles on the floor. 

The good part about all of this began even before the carpet cleaners arrived. That's all the space that opened up during the preparation. Now ... if only we didn't have to put everything back! 

(Copper posing on one of the carpets that is not being cleaned today.)

Planting Seeds

As the great trees have fallen, the yard has grown brighter, able to support sun-loving plants.  Shade still rules the back of the lot, but it's a more open place than it was ten years ago. 

Zinnias are old-fashioned flowers that like the sun.  They, like the recently transplanted knock-out rose, are the silver lining in the oaks' demise. You can sow zinnia seeds directly in the soil when the ground is ready in spring. Which means I ventured out over the weekend, when the garden was moist and tangled in weeds, to start what I hope is a small crop of zinnias. 

Planting, like painting, is mostly about preparation. In this case, the preparation was weeding: ripping wild strawberry and mint from the flower bed; pulling the weed du jour, a tall, gangly stem topped with a baby's breath-like white flower; and digging up wild onions and dandelions.  

Once I'd made room, I shook the seeds — the chaff, really, because that's all it seemed — into my palm. How insignificant, barely more than pocket lint or specks of dirt with dust attached. But I spread them evenly and covered them with a light blanket of top soil. 

Surely planting seeds is the ultimate act of faith. If these wee, floaty things produce flowers I will be the most surprised one of all.

(Photo: Wikipedia)

Calm Start

The world outside my office window is brown and green and gray, a palette of soft colors for a foggy morning.

I woke to the sound of an early bird, a cardinal perhaps. But since that first song it's been still and quiet, a calm start to what I hope is a calm weekend.

It's time to get caught up on errands both inside and outside the house, time to collect myself before the changes to come.

Redbuds!

Every year I obsess over a new type of spring bloom. This year, it's the redbud tree. I've admired them forever, of course. On the long drives to Kentucky I would see wild ones blooming in the mountains, sometimes whole swatches of them coloring the hillsides.

Unlike the delicate cherries of early spring, the redbud is vibrant, bold — an azalea-hued plant that doesn't wait till late April to show its bright color. 

I've photographed several of them lately and covet one for the yard. I have just the spot for it. 

The Sprawl

Jason Diamond is a child of the suburbs, and in The Sprawl: Reconsidering the Weird American Suburbs, he writes about them with mixed but ultimately fond feelings, realizing the idea of comfort and security they have given him.

Which doesn't mean he didn't escape them as soon as he could. But he does come to terms with them, something I've been trying to do for years in my own, still-living-in-the-suburbs way. 

Diamond seeks to understand suburbs by visiting them — Levittown, New York; Roland Park, Maryland; Lake Forest, Illinois; and Fort Lee, New Jersey — and by analyzing movies and songs and books about them — William Gibson's Neuromancer, Rakesh Satyal's No One Can Pronounce My Name and one of my favorite films, "Ladybird." 

The Sprawl is another book I picked up at the library, so serendipity was involved, and though it's not the most lyrically written book on place, I like the no-holds-barred way Diamond describes its effect on those creative souls who grow up in places like, well, Oak Hill, Virginia: 

"Suburbs in the postwar era were built with homogeneity in mind, and nothing develops a sense of not belonging like telling somebody they have to fit into a mold. While it's impossible to figure out the roots of each and every case of suburban alienation, stepping back and seeing that there's something downright strange about the actual concept of the modern suburb — how it's built and the psychological impact it can have on people — isn't nearly as hard."

Seeing Mom

I find it interesting that to me the most fascinating character in Ken Burns' new documentary "Hemingway" is not Papa H himself (though I realize I've not read many of his short stories and most of his nonfiction), but Edna O'Brien, an Irish novelist who shines as one of the talking heads Burns uses so beautifully.

O'Brien is calm but intense, and her comments cut to the quick of Hemingway's novels. In one of her earlier appearances, she takes on detractors who say that Hemingway hated women and wrote adversely about them. 

To answer these criticisms, she reads a passage from Hemingway's short story "Up in Michigan," considered scandalous when it was published. The passage occurs near the end of the story, after a sexual encounter that the female character did not want, and O'Brien reads it slowly, the camera panning down to her hands, which gesture slightly as she reads the words with that Irish lilt in her voice. 

I don't see O'Brien then but my mother, who was roughly O'Brien's age when she died. I see the same set of the jaw, the same hair, full and of a color not found in nature. The same unbridled truthfulness. 

Mom was a writer, too — though most of her stories were never told. 

(In honor of O'Brien and Mom, a photo of the green fields of County Clare.) 

Impressionistic View

Most days I have little choice about which walk I take. I have 30 or so spare minutes, and I sandwich in a stroll between meetings and deadlines, taking the most expedient route — the one out my front door, down the main drag in the neighborhood and back.

But yesterday, I had a little more time, so I picked a paved path that runs along the Fairfax County Parkway because it afforded the best view of blooming Bradford Pear and Redbud trees. I'd been seeing white petals blowing in the breeze like so many springtime snowflakes, and I figured if I was going to see the pears, I'd better do it soon.

The parkway path provided a broad-stroke, Impressionistic view of spring, the kind seen from a distance. It made me feel as if I had traveled far, when actually I was only a few miles from home.

Blue Sky

In group meditation, we are visualizing creativity as blue sky and a spark of clear spacious light that expands and grows until it covers the universe. 

This is easier said than done. Into the mind comes the grocery list, the calendar, the need to notify team members that I'm off today. Blue sky vanishes behind clouds of my own silly making, which is what it always does. Because clouds are almost all of my own making. 

But today I'm stepping away from calendar and duties, hoping to spend as much time as possible outside, under the real sky, which is, as it turns out, mostly blue today.

Easter Saturday

I write today as the eggs are boiling, before the bulk of the cleaning starts and the cake goes in the oven. There will be 16 people here tomorrow. That's a big gathering when the number is usually two. 

And it's a big moment in this slow return to normalcy. It's not exactly like the opening of the gates in Oran from Camus' The Plague. Our experience with disease has been longer but less acute than what those poor fictional souls experienced. 

But it's been enough, thank you very much. And our hope that this might be the beginning of the end will make tomorrow's alleluias ring out all the louder. 

The Alignment Problem

Maybe it's because I'm going back to school in September and must get some practice reading books I don't totally understand, but for some reason I was determined to finish The Alignment Problem: Machine Learning and Human Values, by Brian Christian. I picked it up from the "New Nonfiction" shelf a couple of months ago, and thanks to my library's liberal renewal policies, I have it still. 

I could tell from the beginning that I was in a bit over my head with this tome, which, though written engagingly, presupposes knowledge of artificial intelligence that I do not have at my fingertips. But it seemed like an important book on an important topic so I plowed through it. 

I finished it last night and, after using the index to flip back and forth to various definitions I spaced out while perusing the first time, was at least able to understand what the alignment problem is and why it's important to solve it. 

The alignment problem is a term in computer science that refers to the divergence between the models we have created and the intentions we have when creating them, often imprecise or incomplete. It is, Christian assures us, a problem that the AI community is working to understand and rectify, but is by no means solved. 

Instead, he says, "We are in danger of losing control of the world not to AI or to machines as such but to models. To formal, often numerical specifications for what exists and what we want."

We must be concerned, Christian says, but not grim. "Alignment will be messy. How could it be otherwise? Its story will be our story, for better or worse. How could it not?"

Popped Blossoms

Well, that was interesting. The month of March, I mean. It seemed to last forever.  There was plenty of wind and rain, the University of Kentucky was not in the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship, and I was under the weather on St. Patty's Day. 

But it's a new month, the cherry blossoms have popped (though I can't think of a way to see them unless I ride downtown on Metro at some way-too-early hour) and with more vaccines being given every day, life seems to hold the promise of normalcy in the months to come. 

Then again, this is April Fool's Day! 

(Photo of popped corn in honor of popped cherry blossoms.)