Cold Training

As a chill rain falls and I curl up on the couch, swaddled in three layers, I wonder if my cold training project is working as I hoped it would. Since early fall I've been on a mission to be less of a ninny about winter weather, to work outside in temperatures I wouldn't have dared to before and thus train myself, little by little, to be more comfortable in brisker breezes. 

The premise is simple. In these Covid days, to be outside is to be free. But to be outside in winter requires a tougher skin that the one I was born with. Cold training to the rescue. 

My model in this is the filmmaker Craig Foster, who began free driving without a wet suit in cold South African waters in order to win the confidence of an octopus. In the film "My Octopus Teacher," Foster describes how he gradually acclimates himself to the water and, as a result, is able to share the life of this shy creature in a way that wouldn't have been possible had he been more fully clad. The message: Discomfort in service to a higher ideal is not only bearable, it is noble. 

I'm nowhere near this point, of course. The most I can hope is to keep the heat set at 65 instead of 68. But, I tell myself, every little bit helps. 

Bye-Bye Bassinet

The bassinet reminded me of the ones my little brother and sister slept in when they came home from the hospital. Though it's now called "vintage," it was merely "used" when we bought it for our first baby. I sewed a new liner in a soft lavender flannel. 

A couple days ago, when the grand-babies were in the house, the bassinet was brought down from the attic, just in case it could be pressed into service. Unfortunately ... it already had been pressed into service. Squirrels or mice had made it their home. The stuffed animals that were inside the bassinet (some harkening back to my own childhood or earlier) were eviscerated. 

It was sad. I was sad. ... But I was also determined that the bassinet make yesterday's trash pickup. So I took a few photos, and the bassinet was hoisted out to the curb, actually fitting into the trash dumpster. 

Three sweet little girls took their first sleeps in that well-used nest. And who knows how many others. And now, it's in the landfill. But the girls, they have grown up into lovely young women. And that, of course, was the point of it all. 

(Photo: Courtesy, Etsy. My bassinet photos didn't turn out so well.)

First Smile

I remember being thrilled at our baby’s first smiles when I was a young mother, but there’s something about seeing them as a grandmother that makes them even more miraculous.

Here is this tiny creature, seemingly from another world, movements as if underwater. Here are the eyes that look past you at first. Here is all the care their parents provide: the feeding and burping and changing and calming. The nonstop love right from the start.

And then ... here is the babe giving back. Yesterday, my new granddaughter smiled not once, not twice, but three times. Looked me right in the eye, turned up her sweet little mouth and smiled.

To me it’s proof of love at work, a visible sign of the love that passes from parent to child and then ripples out from that child into the world she builds for herself, extends all the way to the child she bears ... who starts the beautiful cycle all over again.

Gratitude 2020

The rain has cleared out, the sun is peeking through the clouds. It's warm enough to have an al fresco Thanksgiving meal — if only we had known that a couple weeks ago. But that, like so much else lately, is out of our control. 

Thinking of thankfulness today, as many of us are. All signs point to the moment as the source of gratitude and wonder. The moment indivisible, the moment extinguishable, the moment which is all we have so we must live fully in it.

A tough lesson to learn. But grateful I have another day to try. 

Cooking Up Memories

I just pulled out an old cookbook that falls apart when you open it. There are a few recipes in there I still use, and one of them is the cranberry salad I make at Thanksgiving. It's a molded salad that involves Jello — yes, Jello! — but goes way beyond church potlucks in its appeal. It's tangy and elegant, a different way to do cranberries.

This cookbook is a window into my past, a long-ago birthday gift from a friend I still count among my dearest, given to me at a pivotal point in my life, when I was moving back to Lexington from Chicago. 

The move was designed to let me try teaching and writing at the same time and see which one "won," which one I would pursue further. There was no contest, and generations of high school English students are the poorer for it. 

Only kidding, of course. It's I who am the richer for it. And seldom a day goes by that I don't realize it.

Winter Sight

As seasons pass, dimensions change and distances shrink. The greenery that hemmed us in only last month has thinned and drooped. Leaves have shriveled and blown away. What was once a screen is now an open book.

We hear about winter light, the low-slanting sun, but not as much about winter sight.

My woods walks lately reveal shiny new objects: small metal discs hammered into tree bark. Some trees have been tagged recently because the metal gleams and the discs swing freely on their nails. The older discs have dimmed and dulled; some you can hardly see because they have been swallowed up by bark. The trees have grown around them. Eventually those markers will seem little more than a metal eye.

While these older markers have been there all along, I saw them as if for the first time over the weekend. It was the winter landscape that drew my eyes to them, the same bare expanse that lets us glimpse a hidden stream or the outline of a hill, once shrouded in green. It is winter sight.

Slouching Toward Improvement

I have a long career in slouching: sliding down into the comfy cushions of the new couch, propping myself up with pillows in the overstuffed chair and, before these pieces of furniture were here, doing whatever I could to make horizontal whatever vertical piece of furniture I inhabited. 

Maybe it comes from having long legs and needing a place to put them. Or maybe from spending way too much time on my posterior. Whatever it is, I'm vowing to change. 

The reason: I've come to realize something I knew all along but which my forgiving back has let me ignore: that young slouchers may look all limber and cozy, but old slouchers look pained. 

I'm sitting up straighter, aided by a fine office chair that encourages good posture. When I'm not there I'm either standing (as I am now) or putting pillows behind my back to keep myself upright. 

It will take a while, this shift in posture. But I'm ... slouching toward improvement. 

Christ the King

Today is the feast day of Christ the King, the last Sunday of the liturgical year. But for me, Christ the King will always be, first and foremost, a school — "CKS," my earliest alma mater, the place where I learned to read and write, where I got my first crushes on boys, where I arrived most days with a knot in my stomach. 

It was not a feel-good place; most parochial schools were not in those days. It was a bar of Ivory soap and a rough towel, just the basics. There were no counselors, no social workers. If the nuns were unhappy with you, they weren't above grabbing you by the arm and giving it a firm squeeze.

I remember the scent of wet rubber boots in the cloak room on a rainy day, the smell of vomit and of the detergent used to clean it (I wasn't the only one who arrived at school with a knot in my stomach). I remember chalk dust and the way the nuns would tuck their arms up their voluminous sleeves, the clicking of the rosary beads they wore clipped to the side of their habits.

A few years ago, when I was visiting Lexington, I went back to Christ the King, strode through the halls, peeked into the classrooms, wandered through the lunchroom, which was where I tried out for cheerleader in seventh grade. "Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar, All for Christ the King, stand up and holler." 

Eight years is a long time to spend in a place, especially when those years are your sixth through 13th. Those years throw long shadows; I walk in them still. 

Early to Bed...

Last night, I was in bed reading before 9 p.m. with lights out before 9:30 — which means that when I woke up at 4:30 a.m., as I often do, I gave myself permission to rise and start the day. 

This led to what felt like a revelation: does this mean I should always retire so early? Am I more of a lark than I think I am? 

One morning does not a lifestyle change make. So for now, I'm enjoying today's head start and hoping I can keep my eyes open long enough to have dinner!

Aural Warmth

It's our first frost of the season, and though I haven't ventured outside yet, I can predict how it will feel: crunchy beneath the feet, the white spears of grass tufted and hardened, winter here before we've even seen the first days of December.

It was 27 when I woke up this morning — and 62 inside the house, which we are keeping cooler for various reasons, including stuffy sinuses and easing the transition from inside to outside (thus prolonging this infatuation I have with working al fresco). 

I have to say it feels mighty fine now to work inside the house, with hot air pouring from the vents, warming the air to a relatively toasty 67. Even the sound of the furnace makes me feel warm. As does the roar of the electric kettle coming to a boil. 

If warmth were aural we could do away with hats, scarves and mittens, so I know a lot of this is in my head. But they are lovely sounds just the same. 

Two Novembers

I knew I would catch it after yesterday's post, waxing rhapsodic about our "two homes," about the human need for outside time, for the comfort and the balm of nature.

Yesterday, nature was definitely without her diadem. A stiff breeze bore down on us all day, not enough to reroute the Dulles air traffic but powerful enough to "prune" the trees and make walking a trial. Copper and I ventured twice into the tempest: once in the morning and once in the afternoon.

Here's a shot I snapped during the latter. I'll use it to remind myself that, just as we have two homes, so also do we have two Novembers. One is warm sun on the face and the scent of dry leaves; it lures us to sit on the deck stairs and take in the scene. 

The other is what we had yesterday: raw skies and an angry wind. That November has one message for us: go inside! 

Two Homes

As the light fades, the sounds change. Instead of birds flitting through azaleas, squirrels scamper through leaves. The sound of autumn is the sound of rustling, of animals circling to find their resting places.

We humans, too, take our clues from the light. First our plants come in, then we do, too, reluctantly in the beginning but eagerly in the end. Back to these houses that are both balm and bait, which cushion our captivity with heat and comfort, with down pillows and warm baths.

Once inside, we will forget the wild world where Blue jays cry and ants crawl slowly up the pergola post. Our spirits will flag without that knowledge.

And then, one warm winter afternoon, we will sit in the sun on the top of the deck steps. We will sniff the earth again and feel stirred by the same breeze that eddies the crushed leaves. We will know then that we have two homes, and we do best when we live in both of them.

Musical Chores

I'm always listening to music while walking with my iPod, but until recently I'd lost the ability to blare symphonies or musicals or folk tunes at home. But now, a jerry-rigged system is once again filling the house with sound. 

On Saturday morning, while putting away the groceries, it was Simon and Garfunkel's "Old Friends." "Bye-bye Love"  is a surprisingly apt tune for wiping down packages of peppers and strawberries and finding a place for them in the fridge. The "bye-bye" part is good for jettisoning leftovers.

Later in the day, I listened to Benny Goodman while chopping vegetables for potato-leek soup. "Sing, sing, sing" mimicked "Chop, chop, chop," the driving bass beat perfect for making quick work with the potato peeler. Dad must have been behind the scenes for this pick, loving both food and Big Band.

And finally, while making pot roast in the crockpot, I matched the cool, foggy weather outside with the Hernon Brothers' "Across the Sound," an album picked up two summers ago on the isle of  Inishmore. 

Chores fly when they have a musical accompaniment. 

Writing Together?

As a new grandmother I'm certainly not skimping on the photos or the ink — or what passes as digital ink, the keystrokes that allow me to describe in detail all the glories of my new grandchildren.

But a passage in a book I was re-reading last night brought to mind a time when recording one's life was near to impossible and led to an odd sort of epistolary cohabitation. 

At the end of Hilary Mantel's Bring Up the Bodies, Cromwell writes at his desk. "Paper is precious. Its offcuts and remnants are not discarded, but turned over, reused." As a result, he finds the penmanship of Cardinal Wolsey, his departed friend, "a hasty computation, a discarded draft," Mantel writes. But Cromwell "had to put down his pen till the spasm of grief passed."

Imagine what our world would be if we had to reuse the scrap paper of our friends and neighbors. Would it help us see the world from another perspective? Would it bring us together?

The answer, I'm afraid, is clear: It certainly didn't help the 16th century. 

Leaf Meal

I borrow this term from the poet Gerard Manley Hopkins, who in "Spring and Fall to a Young Child," wrote of Goldengrove unleaving and of "worlds of wanwood [that] leafmeal lie." 

Here is my leaf meal — what is left of the Kwanzan cherry's foliage, which disappeared in a day. 

I shivered when I saw it, and not just from the chill wind that followed the rain (and which, paired with the rain, brought down the leaves). 

I shivered because looking at that bare trunk I felt winter in my face — and the single-mindedness of seasonal change. 

A Bump in the Night

Halloween is behind us. The skeletons and graveyards that decorate neighbor's yards have given way to sedate autumn wreaths. But my heart was beating faster yesterday than it did the entire month of October. 

The reason: a bump in the night. The early night, to be sure, but it was dark and it was rainy and the bump sounded like something big had fallen upstairs. 

Was it a cat burglar come to get my jewels (an errand sure to disappoint, I might add)? We crept upstairs to check it out, entered each room carefully, and there was  — nada. No box had fallen from a shelf, not a thing out of place.

There's a chance this was an outside noise mimicking an inside one. But I doubt that. I'm going to assume it was just a friendly poltergeist messing with us a little, taking advantage of this old house, with its creaks and groans, sending us a message — that we are not alone. 

November Question

Warm Novembers confront us with a question: Is it the early darkness that makes the month gloomy — or the cold temperatures? Melville would say the latter, I think, at least he would if we take the famous opening lines of Moby Dick with its "damp, drizzly November in my soul" as proof of where the novelist stood on the matter.

For many of us, though, it's not just the damp drizzle; it's also the early darkness, the dying of the light. I saw this first hand in the parakeets yesterday. Lulled into autumnal complacency by the mid-70 temps, I brought the birds out onto the deck to share the glass-topped table with me as I worked. 

They were chattering and happy, doing their best to respond to wild bird calls ... until the sun began slanting lower and lower in the sky.  Then, as if on cue, they quieted and calmed, began tucking their heads into their wings. 

Even when it's warm, the early darkness has its way with us. 

Naming Names

The late-turning trees are giving us a final burst of color. In the front yard, the Kwanzan cherry has burst into a sunny yellow that matches its spring bloom for brightness and intensity.

In the backyard, the volunteer Japanese maple is outdoing itself: its bright scarlet hue shining in the sun that is just now touching the back fence.

Closer to the house, the black gum's final leaves flutter like tiny, opalescent flags. Their color is a magnet, drawing the eye. As I look more closely, I see two young upstart black gums right behind the tall one. How is it that I'd never noticed this before, never used the fall color not just as inspiration but as information, another clue to naming names in the natural world?  

Turning Back

A hike yesterday on less familiar ground, light slanting low from the late-afternoon sun. Only a short way down the trail came a fast-moving stream and what was billed as a "rock crossing" on the map but which was in fact a few slick stepping stones spread far apart and barely peaking their razor-thin edges above the rushing water. 

The first few stones of the crossing looked treacherous but feasible. If they weren't so moss-slicked I could see getting across them. But then I'd be in the middle of the creek, and, from what I could tell, stranded. I could see only the barest, thinnest edges to the mostly submerged rest of the stone crossing. 

Feeling distinctly wimpy, I turned back. I don't like turning back; it goes against my nature. So I found a side path to explore. It followed the stream for a few minutes, close enough to glimpse an ancient roadbed (see above), which seemed part of an old watercourse. 

I felt better, realizing that waterworks would have remained hidden had we taken the original crossing. And this morning, reading a description of this section of the Cross-County Trail, I felt even better about turning back. 

It describes a "stone crossing that is only usable during the low to normal stages of the creek." The gurgling of the stream, its breadth and raucous rippling, made it clear that the creek was at a high stage creek, not low to normal.  

Perhaps I wasn't as cowardly as I originally thought. Only prudent, even a bit adventurous. Ah, that's better. 

Celebrating Hope

When the word came that Joseph R. Biden had been elected the 46th president of the United States, the country was well along on its Saturday morning. I'd just put the groceries away. Celia in Seattle seemed to have the word even before the news alert on my phone did.

There was no ringing of church bells, no banging of pots and pans or shooting off of firecrackers in my neighborhood, but there was one joyful family and, I assume, many joyful families throughout Folkstone, each celebrating in their own way, glad that a new era is dawning for this country.

I seldom write about politics in this blog — this week has been an exception — but today, especially, is a day worth noting. It's not that the road won't be steep and the going tough. But there is now a hope that we may come together as a country. And that is definitely worth celebrating. 

Auguring Good

I don't want to write about politics all week, but it's difficult to think about much else these days. I'm also trying not to read too much into omens and symbols, though I do anyway. Sometimes I think I was born into the wrong time or culture, because I do more than my share of knocking on wood. 

Yesterday, hoping that my candidate will prevail, I took comfort in the fact that the climbing rose is still producing lovely, creamy pink flowers — even this first week of November. 

And so, although I have already featured the climbing rose in recent posts, I feature it again today. The bloom of a rose, the scent of a rose, speaks of renewal and beauty and augurs many good things. Surely we all need those now.

The Fray

My self-imposed blackout lasted until about 6 p.m. yesterday. Forgoing media allowed me to be a little more productive and a little less anxious than I would have been otherwise. But then the floodgates were open, and I learned the razor-thin wire on which we walk, each side convinced that "there be dragons" on the other. 

In my saner moments, when I can step back from the fray, I continue wondering how we got to this place, this divided place. I've been reading and thinking about it for four years. But these musings are in the head, not the heart. And it's my heart now that is pitter-pattering, as are millions of other hearts across this great land of ours. 

On Tuesday I stuck an American flag out by the mailbox, and it has flown there since. It seemed one way to reassert the position I'm trying so hard now to believe — that there is still more that unites us than divides us. 

The Blackout

I've been awake for hours and have seen only the barest shred of news, an update that appeared unbidden on my phone screen about the vote tally in Arizona. I'm trying to see how long I can hold out without looking at a news or social media site, without turning on the television or picking up the newspaper, which lies forlornly out by the forsythia bush. 

It's not that I don't want to know the current tallies. I'm as curious as the next person, I imagine. But I also know that once I look, the truth (whatever it is right now, even if inconclusive) will be with me — and I won't be able to ignore it or wish it away.

So I've drifted through the day in my own bubble, writing in my journal and on this screen, exercising on the elliptical and stretching on the floor, making and sipping a cup of tea, tidying up. 

I know I can't keep up this blackout forever. Curiosity will get the better of me and I'll peak at some sites, learn some totals. But until then, I'm enjoying my own little news-free zone. It's calm and cozy in here. 

Reclaim the Morning

I thought I would write about voting on November 3, 2020, an election day long awaited, long feared. But I figure I'll have plenty to say about the election tomorrow. 

What strikes me as words-worthy today is the morning, is finding it again in the wreckage of Eastern Daylight Time, discovering its glimmering, shimmering self among the ruins of the warmth and the tattered leaves of autumn. 

Fall-back has given some of us an extra hour to clean the closets and others a welcome roll back to sleep early Sunday morning. 

But for me, it's been a way to reclaim the morning, regaining what I lost in my quest for more sleep, which are these precious golden hours before the day begins. I've been missing those — and now, at least for a few days, I have them again. 

Birth Stories

Ever since becoming a grandmother I've meant to find the journals where I described the births of each of my daughters. I was put off by the digging it would take me to find them.

But yesterday I had a few moments, so I looked in the most logical first place — a drawer in a dressing table where I keep some of my old (now well-filled) blank books. And there, right on top, was the journal describing Celia's arrival — what I'd done that day (Christmas shop) and how it felt (scary!) to look up at the hospital sign from a distance, counting contractions while sitting in a rush-hour traffic jam.

Beneath that journal was the one with the pages for Claire's arrival. The heat of those summer days came alive again for me, as did the rosebud mouth and cute little nose of my second-born. 

And finally, there was the journal that described Suzanne's birth. I labored longer with my first, of course, and the nurses were marvelous, especially one whose name had escaped me — until yesterday. 

It's not as if I'd forgotten the moments when each of these precious babes was put into my arms, and many of the details were there, too. But to relive the excitement in my own voice brought me back to those days in a way no photograph could — and made me glad that even in that early, new mother exhaustion, I chose writing over napping, that I picked up my pen, grabbed my blank books and wrote the birth stories.