Not Yet

A blog errand has me searching through old photographs, looking through the years, with one type of image in mind. 

Of course, I can't find it. What I discover instead are travel snaps, family group shots, photos of Copper, our sweet doggie, gone these many months. Memories, in other words. 

Though I look through many of these photographs easily, I can barely glance at others. Some day soon. But not yet. 

From the Top

It's the Feast of Corpus Christi, and in Seville, Spain, a procession of statues and icons on floats is — or, given the time difference, already has — snaked its way down the narrow streets of that wondrous city.

I like to think about the places I've been, and this is the day I think about Seville, the air scented with orange blossoms, temperatures near scalding (I almost passed out at the Alcazar), the warren of streets around the cathedral. 

We walked to the top of the Giralda, or bell tower, where the city was spread at our feet. It was two years ago. It could have been yesterday.

Old Photos

The women were smiling, posing in a gondola before skiing down a mountain. They wore parkas with hoods. Their faces were glowing. 

It's a photo that found its way into a hospital room yesterday, cheering the patient who would no longer ski down a mountain but who, I hope, took heart from the image and the gesture, a kindness meant to stir up memories of a happier time.

The ability of an image to hearten and inspire ... it was on full display yesterday, and I marveled at its power. 

(This isn't that photo, but it's an old photo that always makes me smile.)

Time and Memories

I'm reminded this morning that it's been 60 years to the day since President Kennedy was shot. The act that defined our country for many years, until the other tragedies came along. 

Now there are young adults who were born after 9/11, who have no direct or televised experience of the smoldering ruins or the silent skies. 

Time marches on; memories do not. They stay locked in place — in amber, perhaps, or something far less valuable. They define us, as a generation and as a people. 

How do we honor them and move on? Only by understanding them, I guess, by realizing the many ways they hold us in their thrall. 

Ephemera

A woman enters the tiny chapel and crosses herself. I doubt she saw me notice but I noticed just the same. 

The couple in line in front of us can't take their eyes off each other, are forever touching shoulders, exchanging smiles. She has short hair and dimples. He wears a plaid shirt. 

There were hundreds of moments like these on our trip through Scotland last month. Little things I glimpsed that I don't want to forget. The ephemera of travel. 

They are like this section of Hadrian's Wall, a stretch that runs along a lane that's currently in use. Here is this historical marvel, traces of a structure built two thousand years ago, and we're driving along beside it as if it was a 21st-century shoulder. 

The ordinary becomes extraordinary. And vice versa. 

The Fact Checker

Do facts matter? How integral are they to the underlying truth? These questions and more were raised in the one-act play "The Lifespan of a Fact," which I saw last night with journalist friends.

The play and book on which it is based raise all sorts of questions about literary license, rights of authorship and fiction versus nonfiction. But for me it was also a trip down memory lane, as I recalled a fact checker I worked with at McCall's magazine. 

Carmen had a quick laugh and a determined air. She wore well-tailored skirts and blouses, and everything about her was precise, from her sturdy pumps to her tidy bob. When she appeared at my desk with a manuscript covered in red ink and pencil marks I always wanted to slink down into my chair, down, down, down until I could slide under my desk and hide out there a while. 

Too late, of course. Carmen knew I was there. And even if she didn't, she would hunt me down just as she did every fact in every article. I'm not a sloppy reporter, but everyone trembled in Carmen's wake. In a pre-Internet era, fact-checking was no easy task, but Carmen and her minions made sure that every piece in the magazine was shipshape and gospel-true. There were no questions about the lifespan of those facts. 

County Fair

It's just serendipity that we're here the same week as the Garrett County Agricultural Fair. So yesterday we ventured out to see the pigs and cows and sheep and goats (some of us city folks confusing those latter two).  There were rabbits, too, long-eared laps and Netherland dwarfs. Plus all kinds of hens and roosters, one of which excited the babies with his loud cocka-doodle-doo.

The carnival rides looked as scary as ever — a ferris wheel that was going around at quite a clip and other contraptions that shake you and turn you upside down.  Along the midway, barkers sang their timeless song: everyone's a winner here. 

And then, there was the food: cotton candy, which brought back memories of when I used to make it at the Bluegrass Fair as a teenager, gathering the sugar floss with a paper cone, twirling it around the sides of the machine and handing it to a happy customer. What we didn't have back then were fried pickles, fried cheese and fried candy bars.  So of course, that's the photo I snapped. 

Laundry Time

On these warm days I make the deck my home. The morning is for brain work, the afternoon for weeding, watering and, as much as I like to put it off, sometimes for laundry. 

Yesterday I sat outside while a hot wind stirred up the scent of crisp, drying dresses and t-shirts — and also provided a little screen from the late-day sun. 

Is there a scent more redolent and comforting than that of laundry detergent? I remember my friend Elaine, who lived a few doors down from us on St. Ann Drive. (No, my mother did not name me after our street; they moved there when I was 3 and she had long since named me for her mother, Ann Veronica Donnelly.)

Elaine's mother, Mrs. Scully, had only an ancient wringer washer (the only one I've seen in use before or since) and therefore devoted a day to the scrubbing, rinsing, wringing and drying of clothes. I remember her in loose house dresses with stockings rolled down around her ankles. 

The Scully house was one of the few in the neighborhood to boast a basement, and you could enter it from the garage. It was always cool and smelled of Tide. Yesterday, I closed my eyes and imagined I was there. 

Cooking Up Memories

I just pulled out an old cookbook that falls apart when you open it. There are a few recipes in there I still use, and one of them is the cranberry salad I make at Thanksgiving. It's a molded salad that involves Jello — yes, Jello! — but goes way beyond church potlucks in its appeal. It's tangy and elegant, a different way to do cranberries.

This cookbook is a window into my past, a long-ago birthday gift from a friend I still count among my dearest, given to me at a pivotal point in my life, when I was moving back to Lexington from Chicago. 

The move was designed to let me try teaching and writing at the same time and see which one "won," which one I would pursue further. There was no contest, and generations of high school English students are the poorer for it. 

Only kidding, of course. It's I who am the richer for it. And seldom a day goes by that I don't realize it.

Tender Foot

I woke early and padded outside for the newspaper, whose slap on the driveway had provided the final whoosh of my awakening this morning (bobbing as I was on the edge of consciousness and waiting for just such a prompt). 

It's too early for shoes so I walked to the edge of the driveway with bare feet. It's warm enough for that this morning, though I've been known to go barefoot in much cooler temps. 

Today when I made my way gingerly to the street I thought about how tough my feet used to be when I was a kid. It took a few weeks every summer to harden the soles, but after that I was off, free to dash out of the house, banging the screen door behind me: no socks, no shoes, just a shirt and shorts and a tan that deepened as the weeks wore on. (This was long before sunscreen and there were precious few trees in the new neighborhood of two-bedroom bungalows.)

Tough feet were a point of pride. They indicated a certain street-smartness — or was it street-hardness? — and they showed that you were inhabiting the summer as you should, making it a part of yourself.

Now my feet are not only stockinged and shod, they are orthoticized (if that's a word ... and my spell check tells me it is not). They are the soles and toes of an adult who works on her bottom — and not on her feet. But they can still remember the freedom they once felt. And I like to think that, deep in their neurons and tissues, they can feel it still. 

Joyland!

Yesterday, the neighbors had their driveway sealed, which meant that I was whisked away to a place I used to love more than any other — Joyland, an amusement park in Lexington, Kentucky that closed when I was young. How I came to conflate the smell of blacktop with this down-on-its-heels fun park was likely due to the hot asphalt of the parking lot.

All I know is that the merry-go-round there was an utter delight, and the roller-coaster, called the Wildcat, was a rickety wooden model that clattered when the cars rolled up and down its hills and valleys.

When I made my First Communion and was told by the nuns that it would be the happiest day of my life, I asked Mom and Dad to take me to Joyland. All spiritual aspects of the day aside, if this were to be the happiest day of my life, Joyland would have to be involved.

And, dear people that they were ... they took me. It was after Mass and the family brunch, after the rain had stopped (because it was pouring that morning). The sun had come out and the pavement was steaming. The whole place smelled like blacktop. It was Joyland! My happiest day was complete.

(Photo: courtesy Wikipedia)

Ah, Nuts!

Today I finished off the last few pistachios from a giant bag that's been hanging around for weeks. I enjoyed every last morsel, and found myself thinking about the first time I ate one — and crunched into the whole thing, shell and all.

Pistachios were the expensive nut I could never afford with my allowance, you see. When someone bought them for me as a treat, I couldn't believe my good luck. But having only admired them and never tried them ... I didn't know the shells weren't edible.

The early confusion hasn't stopped me from loving them, though. And they are instructive, an early lesson in how things aren't always what they appear to be.

Throwback Thursday

My Throwback Thursday came a day early, when a high school friend called to tell me about the 70th anniversary reunion of the Central Kentucky Youth Orchestra. Many years ago (not 70, though!) I played string bass in that august ensemble. I was not very good. My audition piece was "My Country 'Tis of Thee" — and still I only squeaked in.

I was in over my head from the start — Brahms 1st has some fantastically difficult runs — but I was hooked. To be even a small, insignificant, plunking-lower-string part of this swelling sound didn't just make my day (the day was Saturday, the time 8 a.m. to noon). It made my year (s), both junior and senior. I had found my crowd: the music people.

For two years there was rosin dust and calloused fingers. There were rehearsals and parties and the dreaded tag day, when I stood on the corner of Short and Lime and asked passersby for money. There was the time we were invited to the Soviet Union for the International Music Educators Conference. Does my mind fail me here, or would we have played Kablevsky for Kablevsky?  I think that is true.

That one didn't work out, but there were concerts at U.K. and Transylvania, on the road in Williamsburg and Atlanta, the night when guys from the trumpet section got their hands on the French taxi horns used in "An American in Paris" and woke up half the hotel.

All these memories bubbling out because of a phone call. The parts of life we think are over never really are.

Long Dive

As I mentioned last month, I've been dipping into journals I kept long ago. This morning's adventure was like a long dive into a long-forgotten stream. It was my voice, my way of looking at the world, but applied to a completely different set of circumstances.

No children yet, not much of a job, I was cobbling together an income from odd jobs and transcribing tapes. It was one of those times that was terribly difficult — except just surviving it made me feel whole and strong and capable.

I'm trying to write about this time, write clearly without remorse or false cheer.

The journals help.

Long Shadow

Driving home last night from book group I saw a strange light in the sky. Was it a low-flying plane or helicopter? A satellite? Or something else ... something strange and unexplained?

This sighting took me back to a time in my childhood when I was absolutely terrified of UFOs. I would see lights hovering above the ground in the field behind our house or skimming above the horizon on night drives home, and a crazy fear would seize me. It was only a matter of time before one of these vessels would catch and envelop me and take me back to the mother ship.

Mom and Dad would try to talk me out of these notions. They somehow avoided laughing in my face and calmly consoled me. But I didn't believe them. I knew the truth: There were alien creatures in the sky, and they were targeting Lexington, Kentucky.

I don't remember when I grew out of this worry, but I do remember the long shadow it cast, the terror that fills the world when we are just coming alive to it.

Last Hurrah

The day is winding down, I've edited what feels like a bajillion documents. Done some writing too, though not enough, never enough.

I come to this blank page, a page that's been waiting for me since early this morning.

Must get an earlier start tomorrow. But still, there are a few minutes left of the business day, just long enough to find this photo, one I took walking around a farm park where I used to take the girls when they were young.

I was missing their young selves so intensely that day. So much so that I could almost hear them laughing and chattering from inside this barn.

But they are all grown up now, and other little voices fill this space.

Mind Picture

No time to snap a photo of last night's full moon, so I tried to snap a "mind picture," as Suzanne would call it.

I remember when she first talked about mind pictures. It was on one of our family vacations, can't remember which one. I'd smiled, reminding her that she couldn't share mind pictures the way she could real ones and that her mind wouldn't always be as clear as it was then. That there might come a time when it would be as jumbled as mine — mind pictures tangled up with old phone numbers, Associated Press Stylebook comma rules and all the other bits of information and trivia I've remembered through the years.

But I have come around a bit. As long as you don't take too many, as long as you are mindful when you snap that lens open and closed ... who's to say that, in the end, mind pictures aren't better.

I can still remember with great detail a mind picture I took more than two decades ago. I was visiting Kay in Paris, and had forgotten my camera. It was April, early evening, and as I walked along the Seine, the towers and spires of Notre Dame were set off against a perfect late-day sky.

I've taken tens of thousands of photographs since then. But that's the one — without film or any other form of capture — I remember best.

Rear View Mirror

As the wedding passes into memory, keepsake images flit through my brain. One I keep coming back to is the rear-view-mirror glimpse of the newlyweds as I pulled away from their house last Monday.

I had driven them home after the big festivities, and they were making sure I got safely on my way. I glimpsed at the mirror to see them put their arms around each other and stroll back to the house. It was the perfect coda to a celebration of love and family, and just one of the moments I treasure.

Funny thing, making memories. When you're young the memories seem unimportant. It's the experiences that matter. But as you grow (ahem!) older, you realize that experiences are fleeting — and it's memories that endure. They are the rich rear view mirror of life, a procession of images to relive and cherish.

Way Back When

The message went out last night after 9, and by early this morning the replies were pouring in. Would we, the members of Henry Clay High School, class of 19__ (that's the only part of my graduating class year I'm revealing), like to meet at a classmate's farm some late September Saturday?

It's a five-year rather than a 10-year mark for us. But we've lost a couple of people since last time and, as the organizer said, "We're not getting any younger, folks. And there's something important about being with people we knew way back when."

There is. Surprisingly so.

What I mostly felt in high school was how much I wanted to get out of it. But the memories now are clearer than most: The way the light came in through the tall windows of Baldy Gelb's math classroom. (He was Coach Gelb — which may have accounted for the prime real estate.) Or the day Mrs. Ahrens' student teacher suggested we start keeping a journal. (I've never stopped.)

In other words, these were years that mattered. And people who matter still.