Middle-Aged Woman Project

A few weeks ago I heard an interview with writer John McPhee on the radio. He was explaining a series of pieces he's writing for the New Yorker, which he calls his "old man project."

The idea is that he doesn't have the time to explore in depth a drive through Spain he made decades ago or a dairy farm in Indiana with 25,000 cows or any number of other ideas he's been saving up to explore, so he is dipping his toe in them, then moving on.

McPhee is basing his project on a long-ago encounter with a 66-year-old Thornton Wilder, who had decided to catalog all 431 plays of the playwright Lope de Vega. The younger McPhee didn't understand why Wilder was doing this. The older McPhee does: it's a project without an end, a way to keep yourself going.

This got me thinking about what I do, am doing, to keep myself going, specifically my writing self. And the answer, right now, is simple: Every day, I write a blog post. And I've written one most every day for close to ten years. A Walker in the Suburbs is my Middle-Aged Woman Project.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

A nascent meditation program at the office has me listening to guided exercises that instruct us to "breathe in, breathe out" and to exist in the present, because that's all we have.

The irony of doing this in the workplace does not escape me — future-oriented as it is and has to be — but my neck and shoulders constantly remind me that I need to chill out, so I close my eyes and try to float in the moment.

I concentrate on the breath, on the inflow and outflow, the filling up and the releasing. It's true, the present moment is really all we have. There is a seat on Metro, there is a journal I can write in. And, later, there is a walk that will take me where I need to go.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Gibbet Hill

Many years ago I lived across from a small hill in Massachusetts. Gibbet Hill, it's called, a great New England name with character and more than a whiff of dastardly deeds. Men were once hung there, according to local legend.

But the hill was for me a great source of inspiration and beauty, especially in the winter. In the summer the hill was obscured by tall trees and a tangle of underbrush along the road. But in the fall it revealed itself like a puzzle in reverse, each tumbling leaf making room for a view of the slope beyond.

It was more than just a scene. It was the promise of winter wisdom buried beneath the snow drifts. It was earth, tree and sky — all stripped down to their barest and most essential, the outline of life laid open to all.

I haven't lived near it in decades but the hill is clear in my mind's eye. It has come to stand for the beauty of winter and all the lessons it holds.

(Photo: Gibbet Hill Grill. It's not winter, but it's the hill I remember.)

Tick-Tock

From where I sit I hear three clocks ticking. There is the familiar cuckoo from the kitchen, the breath-in-breath-out grandfather between the windows, and the "bim bam" on the mantel, the fastest of the trio.

Listening to them all at once isn't confusing; it's multi-modal. It's the solidity of braided ropes, a hammock of sorts, holding me in place.

It's the calm center in the midst of the action: like listening to a Bach prelude or fugue, where you search for each voice amidst the harmony. Or like jumping rope, double dutch.

It's all about the rhythm, about three adding up to one. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

The Trees

I read over the weekend of a dispute among neighbors over a stream restoration project in Hollin Hills. One side believes it's imperative that Fairfax County fix the damaged stream and the polluted runoff that infests it. The other says that it's doesn't need to go about it in such a scorched-earth way.

One big difference between the two sides: preserving trees. As a walker in the suburbs, I know what it feels like to have a beloved woods opened up and hollowed out. Nature alone is doing such a grand job of this that it seems a shame for humans to be helping.

In our woods it sometimes seems as if there are as many downed trees as there are upright ones. Drought has weakened many of the old oaks and high winds have brought them down. The woods are open and airier than they used to be.

While this is just part of the cycle, I miss the denser, more all-encompassing woods that were here when we arrived. I miss the sense of enclosure, the way the light looks filtering through a dense canopy. All of which is to say that if I lived in Hollin Hills ... I'd be fighting for the trees.

Each Day

Walking an older doggie first thing in the morning has its minuses. I'd much rather let the day unravel slowly, in fuzzy robe and slippers, staying inside and writing or reading until I've been awake for an hour or two.

But walking an older doggie first thing has its pluses, too, and that's what I'm thinking about today.  Being out early, when the day is just beginning, means I can take a measure of it, can sniff out its aromas, attend to its sounds. A little less bird song, a little less humidity, a lot more sunshine.

Being out early helps me understand that each day is a gift — one that we can relish or ignore.

Bye, Bye Bathroom

The bathroom remodeling job that's been planned for a couple of months has now begun. Last night I had a final ceremonial soak in the tub — ceremonial and quick, since there was almost no way to keep the water warm enough or high enough in that bathtub to really soak at all. (One of the many reasons it's being replaced.)

Even though I know it's for the better, I couldn't help but have a backward glance for this small room that holds many memories. I thought about the many baths I gave my children in that tub, the girls when they were young, including some precious times when all three of them were in there — and there was more water splashed on the floor than anywhere else.

But those days are gone, I told myself. So I took some photos, removed the old makeup, body wash, bobby pins, hair clips and other paraphernalia that had accumulated — and said goodbye.

Which is good, because now ... it's gone.

Snowdrops

From the looks of it they've been blooming over a week now, these shy white flowers, though I just noticed them today. They're tucked away in a quiet corner of the common land at the end of the street.

The snowdrop is such a gracious flower, with its slender stem and paper white blossoms. When in full bloom the little flowers hang their heads ever so slightly — perhaps a wise move. To call too much attention to themselves this early in the season would be to risk retribution: snow that would bury them. But from the look of the forecast all they'll have to endure is a little bit of rain.

Not that I keep a close count, but I believe this is the earliest I've ever seen snowdrops. They're in good company, though. Yesterday, I saw the first robins of the season, too.

It's Capital!

The other day, while doing some routine editing, I thought about my attitude toward capital letters. I follow the Associated Press Stylebook, which means that titles, position names and the like are lowercase unless used as an official title before the name.

I duly strike down all the errant capital letters I find, but sometimes, I'm afraid, a bit too gleefully. And then I realized: Yes, I'm doing my editorial duty, but in my own mild-mannered way, I'm also sticking it to the man.

Take that, you inflated title! Take that, you uppercase "T" for "The" in front of a showy corporate logo! Take that, you self-important word that's never supposed to be capitalized ever, ever, ever!

ah, yes, i feel better now.

Right Arm Disease

French horn player Barry Tuckwell, who passed away last week at the age of 88,  had a term for the allure of the conductor's podium. He called it "right arm disease."

From all reports, Tuckwell was an excellent conductor.  But it was as a horn player that he made his mark. Playing the instrument is "like driving a very fast car on an oily road. You have to anticipate the things that may go wrong," Tuckwell said. But not many things did go wrong when he was playing the instrument.

My reference point for the difficulty of horn playing comes from my long-ago youth orchestra days, when we based our yearly program on the availability of passable horn players. If we had them, and only if we had them, would we play Beethoven's "Eroica" Symphony.

Still, many have fallen prey to "right arm disease." And I can understand. I engage in a little right-arm waving in the car, air-conducting, of course. But don't worry. My left hand is firmly on the wheel.

(Photo: Imgartists.com)

The Theater Downstairs

One of my hobbies is watching movies, especially ones that are nominated for Oscars. This year, that task has been made infinitely easier because many of the films are available streaming or on DVD. Some, like "The Irishman" or "Marriage Story," both vying for best picture, were released only on Netflix. Others, like "Joker" or "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, " are already available on DVDs.

As a result, I've been doing more "Oscar prep" in my basement than ever before. This creates some interesting situations. For instance, I fall asleep more easily on the couch in the basement, so that means I'm having to watch a few films twice in order to get their full effect. I watch some of them while exercising, too, which also strains my attention span (and lengthens my workout time).

However, the last movie I watched in a theater, "Little Women," put me in a seat that reclined so far back that I might as well have been lying on the worn blue couch in the basement.

So there you have it, as basements become more theater-like ... theaters are becoming more basement-like.  Sometimes I just love the modern world.

(Photo: Wikipedia -- my basement looks nothing like this!)

Modern Day MLK?

We need another Dr. Martin Luther King, a modern-day voice crying in the wilderness. We need someone who has a positive vision and can motivate others to follow it; someone grounded in faith who has moral clarity. Someone who understands sacrifice and can inspire others to make one.

I think about how the world sometimes gives us the people we need when we need them. Abraham Lincoln to keep our nation together. King to lead the Civil Rights movement.

We don't always treat our heroes well, of course. King and Lincoln were both assassinated. In their case history righted the wrong, and they ultimately received the honors they were due. But honor is not what they were seeking. It was a cause beyond themselves, a greater good.

It's hard to imagine such a person appearing now, someone who could heal the partisanship, who could bind us together again as one nation. But I'm an optimist. I have to believe there might be.

(Photo: Wikipedia)

Home Alone

The house is seldom empty these days, but it will be for more than a week, so I've been sitting in silence for the most of the day. It's not that I don't love my life and the people in it. It's only that I need to recharge in quiet.

What I'm listening to now is the sighing of the wind and the chirping of the parakeets. A few minutes ago I had the Sunday talk shows on the radio, but that was producing indigestion, so I'm back to the natural sounds of birds and air.

I may take a cue from Copper and move with the sun. He starts out in the front of the house for the morning rays, then moves around to the back for the afternoon light. He usually finds a square of pure sunshine and lies down in it.

In about an hour the lowering rays will strike the living room couch in an oh-so-inviting way. It may prove too enticing to ignore.

Top of the World

As I sit snug in my house with a dusting of snow on the ground and trees, I read about a land where snow and ice reign — or at least reign for a little while longer.

The research vessel Polestern is part of the Multidisciplinary drifting Observatory for the Study of Arctic Climate (MOSAIC), the largest Arctic research expedition in history. It is studying the polar ice cap that sits at the top of the world.

The researchers recently spoke to a Washington Post reporter about what they've been encountering there. The resulting article read like one of those great polar adventure stories. At one point the scientists heard a low "grumble" and realized that the large floe to which they'd anchored their vessel was splitting apart. They once had to kayak across a newly formed channel to reach their instruments.

"We are teetering at the edge of feasibility," said the co-coordinator for the MOSAIC expedition, Matthew Shupe. In the not-so-distant future, he said, "setting up an ice camp for a whole year is not going to be possible."

But he and the other scientists can't imagine being anywhere else. Said Shupe: "It is so cool to be embedded in the middle of this new Arctic state."

(Photo: mosaic-expedition.org)

A Milestone

This is Tom's last day of full-time work as a senior economist. He officially retires today after more than three decades of government service. The fact that in two weeks he will begin working again for the same agency is important, yes, but today still marks a milestone in his life and in the life of our family.

There are several reasons why Tom is becoming what the government calls a "reemployed annuitant." Some will benefit his agency and others will make our life a little easier. But what it ultimately means is that he will tiptoe into retirement, will wade into it gradually rather than diving into the deep end.

Which is not to say he couldn't handle an immediate plunge into a life without his three-hour roundtrip commutes. He could, and in fact he will, since his new gig will be mostly telecommuting.

I'm the one who likes the gradual approach. I liken it to what the racehorse world calls "walking hots" — making sure thoroughbreds don't suddenly lurch from 60 to 0 and sicken themselves in the process. (This is something you learn when you grow up in Kentucky.)

Retirement is a word I never used to think about but has now come out of the closet.  I'm not ready to contemplate it for myself (do writers ever really retire?), but when I do, the gradual approach that Tom is about to experience looks pretty good to me.

VA for ERA!

Yesterday, Virginia became the 38th state to pass the Equal Rights Amendment. Three-quarters of the states have now signaled their intent to make equal rights for women a permanent part of the U.S. Constitution.

From all reports it was a jubilant day in Richmond. Cheers erupted, and the packed gallery went wild. Say what you will about this being too little, too late, I'm proud of my state for this vote, proud of the women who persevered to bring it to the floor.

I see Virginia as the last, proud runner, the one who keeps her pace even as others streak by only to falter later. I see her now huffing and puffing as she crosses the finish line, long after everyone else has gone home. Maybe her achievement will be discredited — but she knows what she has done. She can hold her head high.

(Photo: Courtesy Virginia Public Radio)

Million Dollar Baby

As a proud English major I was delighted to read yesterday of a study that finds a liberal arts education provides a $1 million median return on investment 40 years after enrollment.

It doesn't surprise me, though. I've always believed that learning how to think, analyze and write is just as important as learning how to build a resume.

But I also agree with one of the educators interviewed for an article reporting on the study — that education is not about earnings potential or return on investment. Education is its own reward.

I'm grateful that my English major has "paid off," that I've been able to earn a living with it as a teacher, writer and editor. But most of all I'm grateful that I've been able to keep learning through the years. That's the greatest gift of all.

The Art of Grace

Sarah Kaufman's book The Art of Grace begins with a paean to Cary Grant. I like Grant as much as the next person. I especially like to watch him on screen. But I wasn't sure I wanted to read a book about him.

Of course, The Art of Grace is not just about Cary Grant, although it holds up his charm and ease as a visual representation of the topic at hand. Cary Grant was not only pleasing to look at, he was also easy to be with. He made others feel good — even when they spilled a glass of red wine in his lap. He was one of those people.

But we can have what those people have. Even the klutziest and most awkward among us can become graceful, Kaufman says. And while the best way to understand what she means is to read the book, there is a cheat sheet at the end. I've been referring to it often:

1  Slow down and plan, there's no way to be graceful when you're rushing.

2  Practice tolerance and compassion, take time to listen and understand.

3  Make room for others—on the sidewalk, at the bus stop, etc.

4  Strive to make things easy for people, even in small ways.

5  Make things easy for yourself. Be easily pleased. Accept compliments, take a seat on the bus, embrace any kindness. This is graciousness and is a gift for someone else.

6  Lighten your load, shed painful shoes, heavy backpacks, etc.

7 Take care of your body, the more you move the better you’ll move and better you’ll feel.

8  Practice extreme noticing. Look for grace where you least expect it.

9  Be generous. It’s a lovely thing to anticipate and fulfill someone’s hopes.

10 Enjoy, raise a glass, as Lionel Barrymore did in "Grand Hotel," “to our magnificent, brief, dangerous life – and the courage to live it.”

Travel On!

This morning on the way to work I opened yesterday's New York Times travel section with its cover story on 52 places to visit in 2020. It's a wonder I made it into the office. I could totally have seen myself looking up at National Airport or Eisenhower Avenue, having sailed past my stop, salivating over a double-page spread photograph of the Lake District.

I'm not a bucket-list kind of person. I love to travel but am more of an "I'll-take-whatever-I-can-get" kind of person, and when reading a luscious travel section, as I was this morning, I pretty much want to go to everyplace I see — except, maybe, Richmond, Va., — it's too close!

But articles like these do us a great service, I think. They simulate the imagination, they lead us to research the spots that look interesting, and, who knows, they might even be the first nudge that gets us to Tajikistan or Slovenia or the British Virgin Islands.

It's a brand new year, a brand new decade. Travel on!

(If you'd told me in 2010 that I would visit Bangladesh, above, in 2017 ... I wouldn't have believed it!)

Walking Tall

It was an aha moment made possible by a liberal arts education, and it happened in the biology lab. While dissecting the brain of a fetal pig I came across the pineal gland, located between the two hemispheres and thought by some (including Descartes) to be the seat of the soul. I had just been reading Descartes in my philosophy class, and the fact that I was now seeing that very gland (albeit a tiny porcine version of it) made my heart skip a beat.

I still pay attention to things like this, strange connections and coincidences when the fates seem to be saying, listen up ... this is important.

What I've been noting lately — both from Becca, the physical therapist I've been seeing, and reading in Sarah Kaufamn's The Art of Grace (more later about this fine book) — is the importance of good posture.

Posture is a foundation for moving gracefully, Kaufman writes, and good posture provides an uplifting feeling. This was seconded by Becca, who tells me that in the process of tightening my core I should concentrate on being pulled up, that this will counteract a tendency to collapse in the midsection that can irritate the spine and cause sciatic flare-ups.

"If you watch people walk," Kaufman writes, "most of us sink into our hips. ... There should be a comfortable tension in the torso, lifting the abdomen and hips against gravity while helping relax and easing shoulders down slightly."

The fates have spoken  — and I'm trying to walk tall.

Blank Slate

I've started off the new year with almost as much clutter as before — with one notable exception: I cleared off one counter in the kitchen. I banished the bread box, moved the canisters and corralled the papers. Which means I begin 2020 with one clean sweep of vintage Formica.

I'm not sure why I did this, but there must be a deep-seated need to begin the year with a blank slate, to clear the way for 12 more months of experiences ... and stuff.

Nature abhors a vacuum, of course, especially in this house, and things are constantly piling up on the counter: newspapers, mail, glasses, crumbs. But so far nothing I can't dispatch quickly to its intended spot or to the recycling bin.

This won't last long, I know. The house in general is full to bursting. There's a warren of boxes in the basement, and a vanity and bathtub in the garage ... but here in my kitchen, at this very moment, there is a lovely open countertop. And I'm going to keep it that way as long as I can.

Little Women

We were at least 20 or 30 minutes into the new film version of "Little Women" before Jo uttered the famous first line: "Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents." But the disjointed telling of Louisa May Alcott's tale is one of my few quibbles with this lovely new movie.

What a moral world Louisa May Alcott has created for us in Little Women, and what a fulsome rendition of it director Greta Gerwig has brought to life in this new adaptation. Seeing it with one of my own "little women," I thought about the world it evokes and the world she and her sisters inhabit — a world where personal sacrifices seem as out of place as dance cards and turned collars.

I devoured Alcott books as a girl and took their lessons to heart. They are simple and old-fashioned — be kind, work hard, think of others and not just yourself — but as difficult to follow now as they were then. It's not as if the modern world doesn't celebrate these virtues too, but the concept of self-improvement, that we are pilgrims on a moral journey, often seems lost in bits and bytes and likes.

Being immersed in an earlier time for two hours, albeit glamorized and spit-polished, made me realize what we have lost. It is much indeed.

(Photo: "Little Women," Sony Pictures)

Whiff of a Resolution

At this time of year ought we to be skeptical of the new behaviors we see in others? Was it my imagination or did the energetic jogger I noticed on the street the other day look down a bit sheepishly? Did he realize what I was thinking, that I was wondering whether he'll be running this time next month?

And to use myself as an example, will the perennial "don't worry, be happy" resolution prompt people to think "Hmmmm .... she sure seems cheerful ... there's a whiff of a resolution about her?" Probably not, of course. People aren't thinking about much other than their own concerns, understandably.

If resolutions are even made anymore, then this time of year ought to witness some of the kindest and gentlest of interactions, both in person and in traffic. With the exception of the dieters, of course. They are allowed to be cranky.

For us resolution-makers whose earnest attempts invite knowing smiles or arched eyebrows, let's just plow on. Yes, there may be whiff of a resolution about us ... but that's just the aroma of change.

Flip Side

Washington, D.C., had its first official snow day yesterday, with a quick-moving and more-powerful-than-anticipated storm closing federal government offices and sending commuters and school kids out on deteriorating roads.

It was a chaotic scene that's now replaced by the peacefulness of a snow-crusted Wednesday morning. I'm working in front of a window with the transformed world spread out before me. Every limb and branch is coated in white with crows providing the contrast. When birds land on a snow-covered limb, a bit of the white stuff falls to the ground in a small clump, creating a second gentle snowfall.

I'm not a skier or skater. Walking and shoveling are the occupations that get me out into the elements. But I love these snowscapes just the same. They are a monochromatic, matte version of the usual scenery, a flip side, so to speak.

Absolutely Ridiculous!

Early January requires a sense of humor, I've decided. Holidays behind us, long nights and bad weather ahead, we must cultivate a lighter way of looking at things. This does not come easily — especially with the doom and gloom that come to us regularly from the airwaves and our phones.

Watching comedies helps. So does talking to upbeat people, animals (though they seldom talk back) or, in a pinch, to one's self (again, talking back seldom happens, or at least let's hope that it doesn't).

The right kind of book can also do the trick. The Salt Path, which I just finished, is one example; of course there are thousands of them. And then there is noticing the silly and ridiculous details of daily life. That works best of all.

Everyday Epiphanies

This year the feast of the Epiphany falls on the first back-to-work-and-school day. For some, it may even delay the first back-to-work day. For me, back-to-the-office cannot be postponed ... so I'll just have to be astonished by the daily grind.

Maybe this is not such a bad thing. Maybe we need to take our epiphanies where we find them, not just in the grand celebrations of life but in the everyday moments — hopping on Metro, settling into the office, getting a glass of water at the kitchen sink.

It's difficult to find wonder in the everyday, but it is, I think, what we were born for.

Over Again?

Even though I worked last Thursday and Friday, I did so at home, so tomorrow looms as the first real return day. In reflecting over the Christmas that was, I relive the lovely moments with family and friends, surely the highlight of this or any other holiday.

I also recall a day I'll remember for its contentment, when I felt strangely happy. I say strangely because I was fighting a cold and still had a lot to do: all the cards to write, gifts to wrap and baking to do. But the tree was up and decorated and a marathon of biblical movies flickered on TV.

I addressed envelopes and curled ribbons to the soundtrack from "King of Kings" (I watched the film some too, but I listened more than looked). The majesty of that music seemed more fitting than any Christmas carol, and I went about my holiday tasks with a new sense of meaning and anticipation.

It was just a moment, but it was such a pleasant one that it seems to encapsulate all this holiday's happy moments. Now I sit in front of that same tree, which must soon be taken down, and, well, I just wish I could do it all over again.

The Hawk Next Door

This morning I saw in a neighbor's tree the unmistakable silhouette of a hawk. A wild thing partially tamed, this bird, because the neighbors (who hunt with bow and arrow) leave hunks of deer meat about for it to chew on.

If it sounds like I live in the woods or up a mountain, be assured that this is indeed the suburbs. But such is the wide array of residents here that this hawk sits hunched in contemplation, looking as if he owns the place — because he thinks he does!

I love that he's nearby, though I'm glad I have no small cats to tempt him. But the presence of this bird of prey, his cries in the morning fog, remind me of the wild world that waits just outside my door. A world I'm just about to walk in...

(Couldn't find a photo of a hawk, so an owl will have to do.)

The Salt Path

My first book of 2020 is one I began in 2019, The Salt Path by Raynor Winn. The author and her husband, both in their 50s, suddenly find themselves homeless and decide to walk the South West Coast Path in England.

It's not what one usually decides to do in such a situation, so right from the start I was hooked. And the further I read (I'm less than 50 pages from the end), the more I know that if I were to find myself homeless, walking the South West Coast Path would be something that I would want to do, too.

It's about how to survive when nothing is going your way, about taking control when it would be far easier to left fate roll you over. It's about the couple finding the "strip of wildness that was ours" between the rocks and the sea, about feeling both "confined and set free."

"Drawn to the edge, a strip of wilderness where we could be free to let the answers come, or not, to find a way of accepting life, our life, whatever that was. Were we searching this narrow margin between the land and sea for another way of being, becoming edgelanders along the way? Stuck between one world and the next. Walking a thin line between tame and wild, lost and found, life and death. At the edge of existence."

Winn may not know the answers (yet), but she certainly has figured out the questions.

Frosted Fields

An early walk on a Reston trail, one of my favorites. This is a paved path that winds between backyards and parkland before connecting with the Cross-County Trail. It's cool and enticing in the summer because of the tall oaks that shade it — and no less lovely in the winter.

It was a quiet amble —  not a soul about — and the stillness rang in my ears. Birds fluttered in the hedges, and the stream, normally gurgling, was quiet in the cold. It was chilly, so I walked fast from the get-go, flipping up the hood on my parka and balling up my fists inside old gloves.

But three quarters of the way down on the left, I had to stop. The wetland landscape there was transformed by frost. Matted grasses gleamed with white and broken tree trunks loomed above them. There was thin ice where the creek water ponds and a monochromatic beauty throughout.

Beauty is always welcome, but never more than when it is unexpected.

2020!

Even the numbers look futuristic, and our new year is nothing if not balanced. Is it my imagination or is there a hopefulness among these digits, a sense of vision clear and untrammeled?

It's too soon to tell, of course, but I'll enter the new year like I always try to: with more hope than trepidation. I'll take some deep breaths before the messiness of daily living intrudes upon this blank slate.

And for today, before the newness wears off, I'll do my usual Janus thing: look back at the past, craft resolutions for the future ... and of course, eat plenty of black-eyed peas.